Looking Within Myself

It’s one thing to have a New Year’s Resolution, and an entirely other thing to follow through on it.  Here’s to a fresh start…and working through the doubts that plague everyone who wants to head into the business we call show.

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I don’t know why Avenue Q came into my head during the shit-storm that was yesterday, but the song “Purpose” resonated a bit with me.  Well, more than a bit, a lot, actually. If you haven’t heard the song yet, go listen to it, right now. I’ll wait.

Back yet? Good. It’s a little campy, a little fun, and a little repetitive.  But it gets the point across, something that I’ve needed recently.  I find myself at a crossroads.  When I graduate university in May, I will have my degree and a boatload of debt to take care of.  This is not minor debt like $20k, this will be a five figure, if not six figure debt. Not anything to sneeze at.  My choices are laid out in front of me. Since I will be graduating with a Theatre B.A., I will have to either sell my soul to a corporate job that I’ve done before for 4-5 years to pay off this debt and put a little savings away, or pursue my dreams and worry about making it from paycheck to paycheck.

This is the question that all artists go through at the beginning of their careers.  Do or do not, there is no try.  You will hear thirty “no’s” for every “yes.”  You’ve got to have tough skin, and a drive to push yourself and sell yourself every day, hour, and minute.  You never know who you’re going to meet or where you’re going to go. Every time I see myself in the future, I am in New York City, working on a show on Broadway. That is my dream. My dream of dreams.  And it scares me to admit that.

I ask myself constantly: am I good enough? Am I capable enough? Should I wait until this anxiety thing or whatever this is that’s prevented me from graduating for two years goes away or push through it? Friends and family both want me to sell my soul for a few years and get out of debt, but I wonder if that’s not what society tells us to do anyways.  Where’s my adventure? Where’s my courage?  What’s my game plan?

To prove to myself that I can do this, I’ve decided to put off acting for a bit in favor of doing stage management type work, which I still love and am actually much more comfortable doing.  No need to bare your emotions for that job. I know I can do it, I know I’m good at it. By the end of this year, I want to have secured a paying job as a stage manager (or assistant stage manager, production assistant, etc.) in order to solidify to my logical brain that this is what my life will be.  This is how I will impact the world.

Let’s do this.

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About Kathryn Meister

Production Stage Manager.
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